Sunday, March 14, 2010

do you ever wonder while you wander.....

I have known that I was adopted for as long as I can remember.  I was always told that I was "special" and "chosen."  As a child, I would walk through the stores and if I saw a tall blonde walking around I always wondered if that could be my biological mother.  Everyday I would think about who she was, where she was, what her life was like, did she miss me or think of me....and so on.  This is not to take anything away from my amazing adoptive mother, who is my MOTHER.  She raised me since I was 18 months old and I don't remember life before her.  She and my father have been the best parents to me and gave me "life."
I think it is normal to wonder who your biological parents are and why they made the choices they did.  When I was about nine or ten I remember getting some of the biggest news that I have ever received.  I was outside playing with a neighborhood friend, when my mom and dad called me in the house.  They asked me to sit down on the couch because they had something to tell me.  They told me that my biological mother had passed away.  This was something that was very hard to hear.  I can't explain it, and it may not make sense.  You may think that it shouldn't be hard since I never knew her.  I had always hoped to someday meet her.  I always knew that when I was 18 I was going to find her, just to meet her, not to have her replace my mother, but just to see where I came from.  I still searched for many years, hoping I might uncover something.  It seemed like a never ending search.  I did find out that my fathers name, and that he was at one point living in Norman, Oklahoma.  I also found out my mothers full name.  I found out that my maternal grandfather was indian, cherokee and choctaw.  My maternal grandmother was blonde with blue eyes.  My maternal aunt and grandmother both had radical masectomies.  I know that I was raised by my grandmother until DHS took me away.  I know that my mom probably wanted an infant, but when she saw me with my big belly and big eyes, she couldn't turn me away and I will forever be grateful.  I was told how they would have to take the food away because I would eat and eat and eat, like I wasn't going to get another meal.  My mom said that from day one all she had to do was put me in bed and I didn't make a sound.  She told me she thought it was probably because I was used to no one responding when i did cry.  I have maybe one picture from the foster home, and it was a very smoky background and I was in a playpen.  My mom's friend told me recently that she remembered the day my mom and dad brought me home and they stopped by their house and she remembered that I was the snottiest little girl, that my nose just ran and ran when she got me.  I suppose that picture with the smoke might explain it.  Wait, and there were a couple of other pictures, one with a faux-hawk and one with food all over my face.  My lovely parents did get pictures taken when they adopted me....thank you for that!  Maybe that is why I am a freak about taking my kids pictures all of the time, because I don't have any under the age of 18 months.  My dad made up for the lack of pictures and I think he always had a camera in his hand!
What is so strange is that most of my life I have had this desire to meet my biological family.  This desire has faded drastically since I married and had my own children.  I used to think about everything daily.  Now, it seldomly crosses my mind!  Recently, I have learned of three friends that are adopting through DHS, and this has just kind of brought some thoughts back up.  It was always kind of different growing up with two parents that looked so different from myself, and a brother with dark hair and dark eyes....that blended in perfectly with them.  Everyone would know that my brother was part of the family, but I kind of stuck out like a sore thumb because I had blonde hair and bright green eyes.  I kept getting taller and taller until I was taller than everyone in my family.  I always wanted to have children and just have that one person on this earth that looked like me.  When I had Halle, she had thick black hair and looked exactly like her daddy.  To this day everyone tells me that she looks like Seth!  She is beautiful, and I love that she looks like her daddy!  Everyone tells me that my son looks exactly like me.  I just think it is so neat to have this person that looks like me.  Everyone has always told me that I looked like my mother.  I don't think it's that we look alike, but that we have the same mannerisms.  Now my mother and grandmother look identical!!
God has blessed me with the most wonderful mother and father.  I would not be where I am today if it weren't for the "life" that God and my parents gave me!  My happiness isn't measured by the size of my house, the car that I drive, or other earthly "things" but rather by my relationship with God, my family, my parents, my husband, my children, my grandmothers, my in-laws, my aunts and uncles, my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews, my cousins, my friends, my dogs, my work, giving, learning, and loving others.  I wanted to say thank you to my mom and dad for everything you have given to me.  Thank you for being such wonderful grandparents.  Halle and Noah are blessed to have such a great Nana and Grandpa!  I am so thankful that you "chose" me!


  1. Thank goodness God knows what is best for us and has a master plan. Your story is very powerful and a great testimony. I know one thing about your biological parents, they would be stupid not to be proud of the woman you have become.

  2. Thanks so much for sharing this! I hope it encourages more people to adopt through DHS. You are such a wonderful and sweet friend. I am so glad that your parents "chose" you, too!